Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Reviewed by David on July 13, 2007
As truly horrible as the first four Potter movies were, you might expect that the fifth installment would be at least marginally better. You would be wrong. Indeed, the movie starts out in a promising light, with a more sophisticated tone than the previous films. And then the random, never-explained, characters start showing up. And the unrestrained score swells to remind you that the movie is, in fact, 'magical.'
The basic premise--what little of it there is--involves a rule-bound headmistress preventing the children from learning any magic, while evil Lord Voldemort tries to steal a crystal ball with Harry's life story in it. Random people show up to do random things and in the end, you're left thinking, "I've made a huge mistake."
In the vein of some ill-advised, acid-induced Stanley Kubrick orgy, much of the film is dedicated to events that have no bearing on the story. Harry teaches his friends how to cast the same spells he fumbled through during previous films. But where to hold the lessons, when the headmistress will surely catch them? As luck would have it, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry contains a special room that appears only as soon as you need it, and comes equipped with any items you might need. Too bad Harry didn't know about this room sooner. He could have lured Voldemort there, tied him to a chair, pried his eyelids open and forced him to watch this movie.
At one point, an evil witch (Helena Bonham Carter, reprising her role as Marla Singer of Fight Club), shows up to face off with Sirius Black (Gary Oldman). As the two of them represent the most significant acting talent in the film, it's only natural that Carter's screen-time totals three minutes and Oldman spends the entire movie in a private battle to subdue the overly-dramatic script. Not to worry, as we're treated to roughly a hundred and thirty-eight minutes of Hermione's consistent overacting, hammering in the point that everything is ever so dangerous.
This movie could just as easily have been made by the legions of underage Potter aficionados lurking on the Internet. Take all the neat things you liked about the novel, stir them up, add 100 million dollars of special effects and you've got a train wreck. And can someone get Voldemort a proper nose for the next film? Please?
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