The Da Vinci Code
Reviewed by David on June 09, 2006
You know you're in for a thrill ride of a film when the opening scenes involve a renowned symbologist (played by Tom Hanks) solving anagrams in order to escape from a Louvre men's room. Sadly, the one inescapable fact of The Da Vinci Code is that, weighing in at a coma-inducing two-and-a-half hours, it's very dull. Yes, the locales do become more exotic, the chase scenes more frantic, and the number of people trying to kill other people keeps growing. However, despite many incompetent attempts on their lives, there is never a lot at stake for Hanks and female costar Audrey Tautou. After all, how much suspense can be built upon a glorified pseudo-religious history lesson spanning two thousand years?
To heighten dramatic tension, director Ron Howard relies on the time-honored tradition of unleashing a masochistic, murderous albino monk named Silas (surprisingly well-played by Paul Bettany) on Hanks and Tautou. What Bettany lacks in pigment and dialogue he makes up for with wide-eyed feral stares, but in the end even his penchant for self-flagellation is not as disturbing as his ultimate disposability as a character.
In what is arguably the most surreal moment of the film, while waiting for the next chase the audience is treated to an awkward conversation between convenient grail-lore enthusiast Leigh Teabing (Ian McKellen) and Hanks on male-versus-female reproductive organs and how it relates to the plot. The forced dialogue during this casual conversation, which is not in any way a blatant attempt to advance the story, results in two grown men tossing "phallus" around with practiced ease, but unable to muster the courage to refer to the female privates as anything other than "womb."
By the time the final revelations unfold, we wonder exactly why we're supposed to care about any of this. A few hyper-religious boogeymen are dead, the Christian world is safe from the need to examine its theology, and none of the characters have learned anything other than how beautiful Europe is this time of year. While screenwriter Akiva Goldsman would have us believe that simply keeping the status quo is a satisfying resolution, in the end, it's just good, boring family fun.
Discuss The Da Vinci Code